Fragments of memory

[Deedlit]

[quick note: this is my first attempt on writing something in english,so have a bit of patience :9 if you find something strange/offensive/else,it's probably because I'm dumb and couldn't use the dictionary well or ended up using a word for another *giggles* anyway here it is,and if you find some very huge error pm me and I'll correct them  don't take it too seriously and read it to pass 5 mins *grins* ]


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As she watched the two figures fading down the road from the doorstep,side by side and still chit chatting,she felt both envious and grateful to have met such people as the Threnshaws and to be able of calling them friends;this was a word she in time became afraid to use,since everytime it came out from her lips she managed to loose someone...literally.

With a soft sigh,she closed the door behind her,the harsh words pronounced by Vendim the day before still floating in her mind,causing mixed emotions of regret,anger...and sadness.Still,a part of her thought it was better that way,even if it was hard to bear the pain of loss and mistrust.

Pouring some hot chocolate in a mug,she let the aroma please her senses and as she began to sip the warmth spread from her lips to the inside,bringing back in her memory the same pleasant feeling she felt during the Christmas party held in the Vale - the gifts,the dances,the music and above everything else,the people and the cheerfulness.
Those thoughts brought a smile on her face,a smile that faded as soon as the images of the loving couples,old and new - especially one - showed at the doorstep of her mind,leading her down to a painful path,made of old,sorrowful recollections and present,forbidden desires.

She shook her head lightly,as to make those kind of thoughts go away;but they persistently remained and she found her cup empty,the warmth all gone.
Leaving the mug on the table,she began to go up the stairs till the third floor,to reach the ebony door leading to the only room she was really able to relax in;the room was faintly illuminated by only few candles and she refused to light it up more,while flames flickered and danced on her silhouette,as she began to unlace her dress,quickly undoing her armor and letting everything slide on the floor,all scattered around.
Slowly entering in the hot,bubbling water,she let the warmth embrace her again and ease her fatigue,physical and mental;with eyes closed,she relaxed with a sigh,her back pushed toward the heated rock,while her mind wandered once again on how things were turning upside down...

Valmara,the first person she had known when she arrived in these lands,was following her own path and felt so distant now;Vendim as well,whom she owed so much and who she cared as one of her family,now hated her,believing she fooled him on purpose and refusing to hear any word,reason or else she could say.And Rayne...who looked so much like her...and whom she felt so near since the first moment they met...now looked at her with embarrassment and concern,always holding something and not speaking freely,afraid of hurting her feelings - and Caly knew why all too well.

Was this really the best thing,to stay away from the others,to let them go away?
Once she believed so and she still.Then why she was feeling like this now?

Ashamed of such questions and afraid of the answer she was trying to ignore,she suddenly felt an overwhelming wave of emotions enraging inside her and in an attempt to suffocate everything,she plunged deeply into the water,letting that absolute silence embrace her and calming her mind for a long while.
When she finally emerged,she grasped for air,her fingers busy taming soaked locks of hair that were reflecting flames,glistening into the dark;standing up in all her height,with her wet skin glowing softly (a gift from her mother side) and water dripping on the floor,she grabbed a towel and began to dry her hair with slow movements,letting the fresh night air cooling her heated body.

Her eyes gazed away,lost in the semi-darkness of the room.
A home....friends....love.
Once she had all of them....and when she lost them,she was pushed on the brink of insanity.
She could never...ever again allow such a thing to happen.
Then why this time it was so hard to resist?Had she forgotten her oath?

Letting the towel slide on her shoulder,she lowered her right hand down on her body,till she reached a point under her waist:the crippled tissue of her scar tickled her fingers as she rubbed it.

It was still there - and forever it was going to stay there,too deep to mend.
The memento of her crime,the symbol of her punishment for her pride;the reason why she was a wife no more - and maybe forever she won't be again,always reminding her that for the rest of her life,she was going to be an "half".

Half elf....and half a woman.

She closed her eyes,breathing deeply,knowing no one else was to blame for that apart from her;yet now she found herself cursing her condition,both desperate and relieved of not being able to love freely.Confused and scared,she kept telling herself that feeling again those kind of emotions was dangerous,that she shouldn't get near anybody;yet,someone said to her "heart has its own reasons"....and that was mercilessly true.

But then again,the same old questions appeared to torment her.

"Has a tainted one the right to be loved?Can a murderer dare to live happily,comforted by things such friends?"

Shivering not only for the cold that she felt now,she quickly wore her light kimono,letting it draw her curves as she tightened it on the waist,the delicate and smooth caress of the red silk sending pleasant feeling up her skin;back downstairs,she grabbed a book from the shelf and as she sat down in her comfy chair,she prepared to pass another sleepless night - avoiding thoughts,memories....and dreams.

[Forest Rithik]

Your spelling, word choices and all that are fine. You have nothing to concerned about your translation of it is fine.

Interesting story, do you plan on writing more stories or was this a one off ?

I would like to read them if you do.

[Deedlit]

[ this is part of Caly storyline.I have her entire background written down and every single scenario in my mind *giggles* just it's in italian XD I didn't want to spoil it one shot either,so for now I tried this qpproach first,we will see after and thank a lot for your comment *hugs* ]

[todd0168]

Looks great Caly!  Only a few minor things that I would not be concerned about at all.  Can't wait till there is more posted.  hehe

[Deedlit]

She stood there on her place,looking aloof as the town crier was still happily shouting the good news all around loudly;even if it was a nice and warm day in the Vale,so rare and enjoyable especially in winter season,she felt cold and weak,like she had no strength left even to walk away.

It was not the news itself that shocked her in the end:that was expected since so much time,she had even realized before the involved ones probably,plus she knew already of the others.

The thing that was actually letting her astonished was nobody talked to her about these last events.Not even a word heard from both of them.

She knew it was partly her fault,since she avoided being around for a good amount of time,even if she had her own reasons;but still,this was so important,she was amazed they didn't felt to share it with her,even with all the matters involved.

A slight ache came from down her arms,and as she looked down she realized she was tightening her fists so much knuckles were turning pale;as she released them and began massaging her fingers,she unconsciously traced invisible lines on her palm,following the same that Rei traced when he "blessed" her.She smiled remembering that.

And then,it struck her mind,making any trace of smile disappear.

Why Rei didn't tell her anything at all?Was it possible he didn't know nothing of this?
She frowned,still looking down at her palm;she thought it was unlikely that way,but again,she couldn't be sure.

All of a sudden she felt like she was out of the place,not only because she didn't know for how long she had stayed there,staring blankly,lost in her thoughts;the urge of fleeing from that place forced her steps,giving her enough energy to walk away,even if she didn't realize at first where she was going,her head feeling dizzy with all the emotions waving into her chest.

As she stopped to catch breath,she lifted her eyes and her gaze met the mighty and raw beauty of the stones the Castle was built of;mixed feeling of admire and fear came from her memories,new and....old ones.

She sighed.

Why they should tell her such important things?
She was still a stranger after all,even if she claimed to be a friend.
Even the one that was so close to her once didn't trust her in the end,and now all the words he was capable to say were just formal greetings.As for the others...

She shook her head slowly,moving her gaze away from the cold stones;that place always had a strange power on her since the beginning,when she first walked in it as Vendim took charge of the fortress.It was bringing back sceneries from her past and visions were melting again,her uneasiness growing over and over...

She could still hear the voices and the horn calls....she could feel the blazing warmth of fires and the weight of her insignias embracing her body,the symbols she once proudly wore as a warlock....she even remembered faces...smells...and screams...

And blood,so much blood.

She closed her eyes,inspiring heavily.

All in the name of the Order...

She grinned at that,a mix of disgust and irony on her face.

No,more like in the name of her selfish desires and pale illusions of justice.

How ignorant she has been...and still was,as she was falling in the very same trap again.
She made oaths lightly again,swearing to protect a family that she couldn't claim as hers,forcing her feelings on others again probably.

Was her own loneliness tricking her mind?Was she so blind again?

Was this not...home?

She turned her back to the Castle,feeling her steps so heavy that for a moment she truly and foolishly thought her feet were made of steel;walking down the path that lead to her place,she finally saw the familiar building standing out in the morning air,her body aching like she had walked for miles and miles away.

Home.

.....home?

She remembered vaguely someone saying "home is where your heart is",too tired to focus her thoughts on faces and voices.

Was there actually such a place for her heart to feel at ease?
She thought the Vale could be that place....but now she didn't know what to think anymore.
Things seemed to be slipping through her finger once again,as sand in a childish play;she wanted to believe it was home,she craved for one.But craving was not necessarily making things true,she had already gone through that.

She turned around,to embrace with her gaze portions of the landscape,to savour that beauty with her eyes,silencing her mind for a moment;then she closed her eyes,letting her imagination go through paths and between houses,remembering faces and recollecting all the moments she lived since she was there.

Tears suddenly tried to burst through,but they couldn't make their way out.

When was the last time she was able to cry...?

She remembered that way too well.....
It was about fifteen years ago now - the day she left the Order forever.

And that same night she tried to put an end on her existence with her own hands.

She bitterly smiled at that,because there was something grotesquely fun in the reason that stopped her from actually doing what she thought at the time was "the only and right thing left to do";it was a simple thought that flashed in her mind at the time,when the blade was about to be drawn into her neck.


It will not end with this.


She envied a bit people that were still able to believe what they want about afterlife,their spirits free from such bonds that now entangled her instead;she knew for sure what there was in stock for her,she had foreseen it in her dreams....so many times already.
She was just fighting an hopeless battle for the only purpose of delaying her doom;because she didn't want to already give up....on that smile she could see everytime she closed eyes.

Until she was going to be able to.

Her shoulders felt heavy again,and even taking a deep breath didn't ease that weight;as wind began to blow around her,she stood there for a long moment and let its song please her ears as she used to....even if she couldn't understand well its words like before.

[todd0168]

Another great chapter Caly.  Keep it coming.  I'm eager to see where this leads.

[Deedlit]

[I don't know either *giggles* I'm just following the flow of events,while I try to put some hints on Caly's past inot it.I was thinking on doing a parallel topic with the actual past episodes all explained,but for now I'm going with this only,we'll see :9 ]

[todd0168]

I like this.  Hints at her past. Makes you want to read more to find out more.  Keeps 'em comng back for more this way.  hehe

[Deedlit]

She rushed inside,slamming the doors after entering and walking furiously toward the table,where she was barely able to fill a glass of water,her hands slightly trembling;as she tried to take a sip,she began to cough convulsively,trying to catch breath between one spasm and another.

The loss of air helped her to calm down a bit,enough to focus better on thoughts,but not to suffocate her feelings:humiliation,despair and even anger were still dwelling inside her,Rayne's words still echoing in her mind as a fool's mockery.

She closed eyes,inspiring deeply.

There is nothing in this world such a friend that can bring you so much joy....or misery.

She laughed softly and bitterly,breaking the silence that was enveloping the room,left in the semi-dark,since her eyes were able to cut through the deepest shadow;for all this time,she believed she had been a friend to her,while she wasn't even able to relax in her presence,treating her like she was sick...or worst,blind and stupid...
As for the other matter....

She tightened her grab around the glass,her knuckles turning pale and her heart pounding as crazy:she had treasured a hope for so long now....to be at least as important as a friend to him...to the degree of making him feel the need to talk honestly to her....she believed that night he was being sincere and willingly talking to her....

But now....now she knew it was all a lie.
It was all foreordinated....no trace of genuinity at all.

She grinned bitterly at the memory of Rayne's face while claiming she had done all for her own good;how cruel can be a person when not able to see the truth,drowning in its own belief of "good" and foolishly thinking it to be fitting for everyone.
Even if she knew Rayne didn't mean any harm,the reality was far different.

Everything was turned upside down now.

She knew in the end was all her fault:she wanted to believe so badly she had finally found home and friends again,that she ended up seeing bounds where there wasn't any at all.
She wanted to forget she was tainted and everything that she touched became poisoned.

Smiling fiercely at herself,she mocked her foolishness over and over,while those faces where circling around her like in a kaleidoscope,looking down at her with cold glares;standing still in the middle of that cruel carousel,she felt like her body weighted tons and she slightly began to think on why she was still there....

Why she had to fight so much when there was no hope of really changing things....

Why not surrender and continue to fight the real battle she knew was awaiting for her...

....why not surrender at all,when there was nothing left to fight for?....


.......................surrender....to me....................


Her eyes widened in horror,as she soon realized who was really talking;she slowly turned her eyes down to her glass,having to force herself since a part inside her soul was screaming like mad to just run away and not look down.

The smile was flickering on water surface,strangely twisted by the little waves her hand shaking was causing into the liquid;rage flooded inside her as she bared teeth and threw the glass against the wall in a single swing,scattering all pieces around in a loud sound.
Breathing heavily,she brought a hand to her forehead,massaging her temple,firmly staring at the spot where the liquid was now dripping;with a sigh,she went near the fragments and kneeled down to begin gathering them.

A quick exclamation of pain escaped from her lips as blood began to flow from a large cut;she stood there for a moment,staring at her hand,the hand that bore the blessing and did nothing while streams of blood were slowly covering her palm.Then she grinned.


Here goes my blessing she sadly thought.


And then,tears finally burst through.

She bent forward,still kneeled,embracing her stomach and sobbind loudly;every spasm was a pain and left her with no breath,and every attempt to calm herself was pointless.
So she just let everything leak out:the shame for herself and her condition,the sadness for her being lonely,the anger for everything that went to rot....including herself.
All seemed pointless now,all her fighting,all her effort and everything seemed an illusion:even the journey she was doing on her goddess account,in the end was just a punishment and not a way of redeeming,she was beginning to believe that more and more every day that passed.

And then....the memory of why she was pushing so hard just emerged naturally,in all its cruelty.

It was not only because she didn't want to surrender to the darkness that now was part of her;she knew it was for the first and last promise she did to Estelia.

The name still had the power to bring so much pain to her,that for an instant she found herself not being able to breath,the suffering closing her throat;as she grasped for more air finally,tears erupted again more than before.


Live...sister.


Two simple words,whispered in a voice suffocated by blood a moment before of passing away forever,while she was embracing her head and feeling her heart shattering;that nefarious day,part of her soul died with her as well...and all that she could remember after was anger...and flames.

She clutched teeth hardly,trying to suffocate another sob;for a moment,she felt ashamed of how miserable she had become,foolishly blaming her for leaving her alone after making her do such a fierce promise.In the end,she had been and still was the only one that truly accepted her.


What was she supposed to do now?!


After a long moment,she slowly pulled herself together,regaining posture and breathing deeply,wiping tears from her face and gazing blankly in the dark;from the next day,she was going to make up to everyone in every way possible.She had to try at least.

Because she didn't want harsh feeling to be held against each other...at least for the time remaining,till the moment would come of saying goodbye.

She smiled faintly,completely exhausted.
That seemed to be the only right thing to do.It always has been.

So her journey was still far from an end....

Taking another deep breath,now the trembling was all gone,even if her body was heavy as a rock;as she gazed around and found darkness embracing her,a voice of her past began whispering into her mind,an old precept she never forgot,but put aside for so long till now.


"Stray not into the path of darkness,my child,or you'll be lost forever"


Her eyes narrowed,as she realized who her only companion was going to be for the rest of her life;in that complete silence,the last soundless tear ran down her face.

[RedWolf]

~ after that night at the Pretarian all he did was think on his words said to a friend, harsh words indeed.  Perhaps too harsh but words needed to be voiced in any regard.  Pacing around his home he makes up his mind and grabs a blank scroll from his pouch and an inkwell from the desk.  Unrolling the scroll on the main table, using the inkwell as one anchor and his arm the other, he dips a claw into the inkwell and begins writing.... "Dearest Calyaira,  Words were said that were harsh but were well founded and stated.  Every word uttered was truth and nothing else, especially about you being a friend, dear and cherished.  ~ stops to think for a moment on how to continue ~ "When you read this please come to either my shop or my home, or let me know if you want me to meet you somewhere else, we need to talk.      Your friend, Rei"  ~ with that rolls the scroll back up after dusting it with powder to gather excess ink and silently walks out his door making his way silently to the door of Calyaira leaving the scroll at her door ~